celebrating 40+ years of motorcycling

A nut in every car

In Bill Cosby’s famous sketch he praises the New York subways by saying, “Not only do they take you where you want to go and bring you back, but they go out of their way to entertain you. They put a nut in every car.”

After a few days of commuting to Sydney I think I understand what he was talking about. The Princes seems to be inhabited by nuts of all kinds, and I have started to categorise them. Please bear with me and see if you recognise any of these nuts.

Nut #1. Mr Businessman. Mr Businessman is driving a fleet car, usually a plain brown wrapper BA Falcon. He’s wearing a white shirt and a tie and his suit coat is hanging on a hanger inside the driver’s side rear window. His mind is on the meeting he’s going to and so he doesn’t know he’s going 140 when the limit’s 110.

Nut#2. Ms Pretty. Ms Pretty is driving an ever-so-slightly blinged-up Mitsubishi Mirage/Honda Jazz/Hyundai Getz. She’s only finished talking to her best friend 10 minutes ago, but she can’t stay disconnected for too long and, while she’s looking for the number and fumbling for her phone, her foot goes further and further down onto the accellerator until the car is going far faster than its maker ever intended. Her make-up is perfect and her dress sense is beyond reproach, but she also has headphones on and her mp3 player is assaulting her eardrums so she can’t hear the scream of the tortured motor or the siren from the emergency vehicle that is right behind her trying to get her to shift into the left-hand lane.

Nut#3. Mr Foreman. Mr Foreman is driving a big 4WD; you know, the Land Cruiser or Patrol type. You know he’s a foreman because somewhere on the driver’s side door, or on the front mudguard is a discreet little logo indicating the company that owns the vehicle. You can also tell because he’s wearing a flourescent vest and maybe even his hard hat (driving one of them things the way he drives, he’s going to need all the protection he can get so that’s probably a good idea)

Nut#4. Mr Courier. Mr Courier is driving a Mitsubishi Express van. It’s a fairly new model, but already it’s looking a bit battered and scratched as the hard life of a courier’s van catches up with it. Despite the fact that the van is made for inner-city deliveries, Mr Courier is fanging it along the highway, well above the speed limit, weaving in and out of the traffic and treating his fellow motorists to a regular blast on the horn if they don’t get out of his way. The poor vehicle sways from side to side with the lateral stresses of stupid lane-changes and you sense that the van will be on the scrap heap long before its time is really up.

Nut#5. Mr Rice Boy. Mr Rice Boy is driving a pimped-out doof-doof machine; a Subaru/Lancer/Civic 4-pot screamer. It’s lowered. It has a set of auxiliary instruments mounted on the “A” pillar where they are best able to completely obscure the driver’s vision. It has a 4″ dump on the end of a stock exhaust and muffler system and it sounds like a swarm of bees that have been trapped under an egg cup. Huge wide and low profile wheels and tyres and a built-in moral obligation to pass everyone on the road also come as part of the package. The stereo is cranked and the subby in the boot is pounding it out. He can’t hear the ambulance behind him either as he hogs the right lane, but he doesn’t care, because he’s Mr Rice Boy.

There’s lots of other nuts too, but I’m sure you’ve got the idea. But, here’s the funniest thing of all. Without exception, these nuts are tooling north at speeds that are well above the posted limit, all the time, and they are doing this why?

SO THAT THEY CAN GET TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, bizarre as it sounds, these people are racing the pack so that they can get to work FIRST.

As I said, there’s a nut in every car.